Gridlock in Marriage

In John M. Gottman’s Book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he talks about overcoming gridlock. He says that “All couples have some irreconcilable difference. But when partners can’t find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock.” He then lists four characteristics that are present when you are in a gridlock.

1.      You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

2.      Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3.      The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

4.      Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

These are all things that stop us from being able to focus on our spouse and turn us inwards. They are all dangerous and can lead to unhappiness in marriage.

1.      You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

Having arguments is completely normal, you’re never going to see eye to eye on everything in your marriage. However, it is important to take your spouse’s views into consideration and come to a conclusion or a compromise within an argument. There are always two sides to every argument, and while you may see yourself being who’s in the “right” your spouse is often seeing themselves as in the “right”. While sometimes you or your spouse will be right, often, you both have your points that are right, but as a whole no one is wrong. It is important to take in consideration the good points from both sides.

2.      Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

When your argument becomes so heated that you can no longer stand to be around your spouse is very dangerous. While it is ok to argue, it’s important to realize that you should still be able to approach your spouse with love and affection.

3.      The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

This one for me ties in nicely with the first characteristic. When you can’t resolve the argument and keep fighting the issue is only going to get more heated. This is why it is so important to work together to come to a conclusion or compromise, so that the argument doesn’t become more important to you than your spouse. Which ties into the fourth characteristic.

4.      Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

When you let being right become more important than your spouse, it is time to take a step back and consider your situation. Many marriages fall apart because people become too caught up in being right than what their spouses mean to them.

If we can put aside ourselves and put our spouses rather than on being right, I believe that we would see our marriages flourish.