Creating a New Family (Separation From Parents)

Growing up I was always excited to get married. However, as I got older, I realized that it meant that I would be getting a new family. That was scary and intimidating at first. However, when I finally started to date my husband, I felt excited when I thought that his family could potentially be my family one day. When my husband proposed, I felt blessed that both of our families were so welcoming and understanding. This was only the first step, when my husband and I got married we had to transition from being our parents children, into being a couple together.

In their book Helping and Healing Our Families, James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen said “The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families which they grew up. One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside and invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not mean to be shared with others outside the fence—not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law.” (pg. 328)

This was something that was difficult at first. My husband and I were both used to talking to our moms and telling them everything. We both struggled with wanting to tell our moms every little thing that was going on in our lives. We both struggled with some information going to someone we didn’t want it to go to. So, my husband and I sat down and had a discussion about what was and was not appropriate to tell out moms. Once, we did this we were able to stay within that “fence” and to feel comfortable in our marriage and to do our best to be just a couple. Since doing that, my husband and I have grown stronger in our relationship and trust each other more fully.

Keeping things between you and your spouse is important. It can sometimes be hard to not tell your parents everything, like you used to. But when you turn and rely on your spouse, instead of going to your parents. You will find that your relationship will flourish. Genesis 2:24 says “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”