Resolving Conflicts in Marriage

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman says “Every marriage is a union of individuals who bring to it their own options, personality quirks, and values. So, it’s no wonder that even in very happy marriages spouses must cope with a profusion of marital issues.” (pg. 137). Conflicts are going to happen in any marriage. Conflict is normal, parents and children have conflicts, siblings have conflicts, roommates have conflicts, friends have conflicts. CONFLICTS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN. Some conflicts are going to be minor and honestly quite unimportant. However, some will be more severe and difficult to overcome. It is important to have steps to overcome conflict together in a marriage. 

Gottman gives 5 steps that couples can take for resolving conflict in a loving relationship:

1.      Soften your start-up

2.      Learn to make and receive repair attempts

3.      Soothe yourself and each other

4.      Compromise

5.      Process any grievances so that they don’t linger

Gottman goes on to say that “Most of these steps take very little training because we all pretty much have these skills already; we just get out of the habit of using them in our most intimate relationship.” (pg. 161). Creating habits in a marriage can be difficult, but beneficial! I there was anything to work hard on in life, marriage is the thing!

When you take these steps, you can overcome the conflicts that are going to arise together and focus on having a happy marriage. It is important to remember that there are two of you in the marriage and that you are not always going to be right. This is something that I have had to realize in my marriage. I always like to be right it is something that I have always struggled with. I am grateful for my amazing husband because when this tendency would come up, he wouldn’t fight me. Instead, he would just say “Ok, you’re right. I love you.” Instead of focusing on the conflict he would focus on our marriage.

When conflict arises, you are going to put hard work into some part of it. You could put hard work into avoiding the situation, which in the long run will make it harder to overcome the conflict. You could put hard work into fighting and making the conflict worse. Or you could put hard work into resolving conflict with your spouse and having a happier marriage. Wherever you chose to put your hard work, make sure the result it worth it!