Physical Intimacy and Fidelity in Marriage

In my marriage class this week we talked about Fidelity and Physical Intimacy in marriage. We read some personal stories from previous students as well as a talk from Sean E. Brotherson. The story from a previous student that stood out to me was about infidelity and the road that leads to that. Brotherson talked about physical intimacy and that it’s ok to have questions. I felt that both topics are important to remember when in a significant relationship such marriage or an engagement.

In my previous post on physical intimacy I said “I will mention that I am an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and my views on this subject do line up with those of the Church. I believe that sexual intimacy should be between a man and a woman, after marriage. I know that this is not a very popular view within society, however, I believe that this is the way God intended it to be”

Sean E. Brotherson talked about how it’s ok to have questions when it comes to physical intimacy in marriage. In my religion there are many people who view this as a taboo topic and don’t talk about it until they are about to get married or even until after they already are married. I remember having a conversation with an old roommate who was about to get married about if she was prepared or not. She told me that she has never talked about intimacy with anyone before, all she knows is what she was taught in her high school health class. I told her that if she had any questions to ask and that it is important to be educated. Intimacy is an important thing to be prepared for, it can be hard to feel confident enough to ask questions, but questions are good! Sean E. Brotherson said “What kinds of questions did I have? Here are some examples. How is your body designed to respond to sexual arousal? How do men and women differ in how they express their desires sexually? What is the best way to approach your companion if you are interested in intimacy? Is satisfaction reached the same way for both men and women? How often should a couple be together? What is appropriate or not appropriate in terms of sexual expression? And so on.” Having questions is ok, it’s normal. We should do all we can to feel comfortable and be educated on the subject of physical intimacy in marriage.

It is important to know that questions are ok to have, it is also important to know that there are people you can reach out to with your questions. Parents or parent like figures are a great resource for you to ask questions. If a member of the Church you can reach out to your church leaders, it may feel uncomfortable at first, but they are there to help you. However, I think personally the best person to reach out to about questions, especially if you are preparing to by intimate for the first time, is your doctor. They are the ones who are going to be able to help answer your questions the best. Don’t be afraid to reach out, there are people here to help you!

The story about the road that leads to infidelity talked about how going out of your way and putting deliberate effort into a relationship with someone who is of the opposite sex who is not your spouse can lead there. They said that they would go out of their way to run into this person so that they could see them and talk to them. They also said that they would compare their spouse to that person and that they found themselves wishing that they could be with that person. Instead of focusing your time and attention on someone else you should be focusing that time and attention on your spouse. When we do this, we grow closer to our spouse and can have a stronger marriage. Our relationships with others aren’t as important as our relationship with our spouse, we are supposed to be there for our spouses, those people in our lives that we still care about but aren’t our spouses, have others there to help them. Marriage is the most important relationship; we should be focusing on that relationship rather than certain other relationships.

Gridlock in Marriage

In John M. Gottman’s Book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he talks about overcoming gridlock. He says that “All couples have some irreconcilable difference. But when partners can’t find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock.” He then lists four characteristics that are present when you are in a gridlock.

1.      You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

2.      Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3.      The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

4.      Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

These are all things that stop us from being able to focus on our spouse and turn us inwards. They are all dangerous and can lead to unhappiness in marriage.

1.      You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

Having arguments is completely normal, you’re never going to see eye to eye on everything in your marriage. However, it is important to take your spouse’s views into consideration and come to a conclusion or a compromise within an argument. There are always two sides to every argument, and while you may see yourself being who’s in the “right” your spouse is often seeing themselves as in the “right”. While sometimes you or your spouse will be right, often, you both have your points that are right, but as a whole no one is wrong. It is important to take in consideration the good points from both sides.

2.      Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

When your argument becomes so heated that you can no longer stand to be around your spouse is very dangerous. While it is ok to argue, it’s important to realize that you should still be able to approach your spouse with love and affection.

3.      The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

This one for me ties in nicely with the first characteristic. When you can’t resolve the argument and keep fighting the issue is only going to get more heated. This is why it is so important to work together to come to a conclusion or compromise, so that the argument doesn’t become more important to you than your spouse. Which ties into the fourth characteristic.

4.      Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

When you let being right become more important than your spouse, it is time to take a step back and consider your situation. Many marriages fall apart because people become too caught up in being right than what their spouses mean to them.

If we can put aside ourselves and put our spouses rather than on being right, I believe that we would see our marriages flourish.

Resolving Conflicts in Marriage

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman says “Every marriage is a union of individuals who bring to it their own options, personality quirks, and values. So, it’s no wonder that even in very happy marriages spouses must cope with a profusion of marital issues.” (pg. 137). Conflicts are going to happen in any marriage. Conflict is normal, parents and children have conflicts, siblings have conflicts, roommates have conflicts, friends have conflicts. CONFLICTS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN. Some conflicts are going to be minor and honestly quite unimportant. However, some will be more severe and difficult to overcome. It is important to have steps to overcome conflict together in a marriage. 

Gottman gives 5 steps that couples can take for resolving conflict in a loving relationship:

1.      Soften your start-up

2.      Learn to make and receive repair attempts

3.      Soothe yourself and each other

4.      Compromise

5.      Process any grievances so that they don’t linger

Gottman goes on to say that “Most of these steps take very little training because we all pretty much have these skills already; we just get out of the habit of using them in our most intimate relationship.” (pg. 161). Creating habits in a marriage can be difficult, but beneficial! I there was anything to work hard on in life, marriage is the thing!

When you take these steps, you can overcome the conflicts that are going to arise together and focus on having a happy marriage. It is important to remember that there are two of you in the marriage and that you are not always going to be right. This is something that I have had to realize in my marriage. I always like to be right it is something that I have always struggled with. I am grateful for my amazing husband because when this tendency would come up, he wouldn’t fight me. Instead, he would just say “Ok, you’re right. I love you.” Instead of focusing on the conflict he would focus on our marriage.

When conflict arises, you are going to put hard work into some part of it. You could put hard work into avoiding the situation, which in the long run will make it harder to overcome the conflict. You could put hard work into fighting and making the conflict worse. Or you could put hard work into resolving conflict with your spouse and having a happier marriage. Wherever you chose to put your hard work, make sure the result it worth it!

The Effect of Pride in Marriage

In Gottman’s book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he says that “Obviously, it takes two to make or break a marriage” (pg. 116). This is an important thing to remember. Gottman goes on to tell of examples of couples who fall into pride, many fight and think that they are right. However, if you were to look at the others point of view, you could understand more fully what is actually happening. It is important to remember that it does take two in a marriage, and that there are many contributors to making a marriage work. In your marriage you and your spouse are going to influence each other. This is a good thing. You should be taking influence from your spouse and learn to become a better spouse.

Gottman says that being “emotionally intelligent” is important in a marriage. Being emotionally intelligent is when you try to understand your spouse, and accept their influence in your life, and in your decisions. Gottman writes “Accepting influence doesn’t mean never expressing negative emotions toward your partner. Marriages can survive plenty flashes of anger, complaints, even criticisms. Trying to suppress negative feelings in your spouse’s presence wouldn’t be good for your marriage or your blood pressure.” (pg. 120). Being emotionally intelligent isn’t just agreeing with everything your spouse says, everyone disagrees, and everyone fights. This is normal, in fact, it’s actually expected. Gottman explains that “The problem comes when even mild dissatisfaction on the wife’s part is met by a barrage from her husband that, instead of toning down or at the most matching her degree of negativity (yelling back, complaining, etc.), goes beyond it.” (pg. 120). Although fighting is expected, it’s important to not escalate fighting. It’s important to respect your spouse and their differences. Often, if you calm down, and express your side of the argument and work together to understand each other’s points of view, the disagreement can be resolved.

The big problem that couples run into in this situation is pride. President Ezra Taft Benson, of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said that “Pride is essentially competitive in nature.” (Beware of Pride). When you fight with pride in a marriage you are just competing to be the one who is right. When you fight with pride, often, when you are wrong, you will do all in your power to be the one who is right. It’s important to put aside your pride and focus on making your marriage a happy one.

I am the youngest of five children, who are all very close in age, so when I was right, or when I did something better than my siblings, I took great pride in it. This led me to grow up and to take pride in when I do something better than anyone else and had to prove that I was always right. This had not been a real problem until I got married. For the first few months of my marriage, I would act this way with my husband. My husband was very kind and didn’t say anything about it, however, I could tell that it did bother him slightly, that this is something that I did. I took that influence from my husband and stopped focusing on being right, instead, I focused on my marriage, and how we could work together to be happy.

I personally think that pride is very lonely. Yes, it can make you feel gratified at first. However, if you keep focusing on pride, or yourself, instead of others, it can be quite lonely. I believe that it is important to focus on the important things in life, instead of just always being right. Marriages take hard work to make them happy. But let me tell you, IT’S WORTH IT!