Creating a New Family (Separation From Parents)

Growing up I was always excited to get married. However, as I got older, I realized that it meant that I would be getting a new family. That was scary and intimidating at first. However, when I finally started to date my husband, I felt excited when I thought that his family could potentially be my family one day. When my husband proposed, I felt blessed that both of our families were so welcoming and understanding. This was only the first step, when my husband and I got married we had to transition from being our parents children, into being a couple together.

In their book Helping and Healing Our Families, James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen said “The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families which they grew up. One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside and invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not mean to be shared with others outside the fence—not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law.” (pg. 328)

This was something that was difficult at first. My husband and I were both used to talking to our moms and telling them everything. We both struggled with wanting to tell our moms every little thing that was going on in our lives. We both struggled with some information going to someone we didn’t want it to go to. So, my husband and I sat down and had a discussion about what was and was not appropriate to tell out moms. Once, we did this we were able to stay within that “fence” and to feel comfortable in our marriage and to do our best to be just a couple. Since doing that, my husband and I have grown stronger in our relationship and trust each other more fully.

Keeping things between you and your spouse is important. It can sometimes be hard to not tell your parents everything, like you used to. But when you turn and rely on your spouse, instead of going to your parents. You will find that your relationship will flourish. Genesis 2:24 says “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Being One In Marriage

Being one is important in marriage. President Henry B. Eyring has said that “The requirement that we be one is not for this life alone. It is to be without end. The first marriage was performed by God in the garden of when Adam and Eve were immortal. He placed in men and women from the beginning a desire to be joined together as man and wife forever to dwell in families in a perfect, righteous union.” We are meant to be one with our spouses, to work our way through this life together. This is not always easy, but when we work together, we can gain perspective and be happy.

President Eyring also said that “All of us have felt something of both union and separation.” I have only been married for about 7 months, but I have seen the importance of being one with my husband already. Before we were married, I had a lot of alone time where I could just sit and read or watch a show by myself and not worry about anyone else but me. After getting married, all of the time that I would spend by myself my husband is around, making it more difficult to do things by myself. At first, I felt that I had to do everything that we would like to do together. My husband and I are very different people and like very different things. He likes to go outside and camp and race dirt bikes and all of that kind of stuff. Personally, I like to be inside watching a movie, reading a book, or playing games. Since being married we have learned to embrace each other and understand each other’s interests. We have become one by understanding each other’s wants and needs. It can be vital to understand when the others needs are important and when we should put our needs aside.

President Eyring said that “Sometimes in families and perhaps in other settings we have glimpsed life when one person put the interests of another above his or her own, in love and with sacrifice.” This is an amazing thing to witness. This is Charity, the Pure Love of Christ. Christ put our needs first, we should take after his example and put others first.

Physical Intimacy and Fidelity in Marriage

In my marriage class this week we talked about Fidelity and Physical Intimacy in marriage. We read some personal stories from previous students as well as a talk from Sean E. Brotherson. The story from a previous student that stood out to me was about infidelity and the road that leads to that. Brotherson talked about physical intimacy and that it’s ok to have questions. I felt that both topics are important to remember when in a significant relationship such marriage or an engagement.

In my previous post on physical intimacy I said “I will mention that I am an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and my views on this subject do line up with those of the Church. I believe that sexual intimacy should be between a man and a woman, after marriage. I know that this is not a very popular view within society, however, I believe that this is the way God intended it to be”

Sean E. Brotherson talked about how it’s ok to have questions when it comes to physical intimacy in marriage. In my religion there are many people who view this as a taboo topic and don’t talk about it until they are about to get married or even until after they already are married. I remember having a conversation with an old roommate who was about to get married about if she was prepared or not. She told me that she has never talked about intimacy with anyone before, all she knows is what she was taught in her high school health class. I told her that if she had any questions to ask and that it is important to be educated. Intimacy is an important thing to be prepared for, it can be hard to feel confident enough to ask questions, but questions are good! Sean E. Brotherson said “What kinds of questions did I have? Here are some examples. How is your body designed to respond to sexual arousal? How do men and women differ in how they express their desires sexually? What is the best way to approach your companion if you are interested in intimacy? Is satisfaction reached the same way for both men and women? How often should a couple be together? What is appropriate or not appropriate in terms of sexual expression? And so on.” Having questions is ok, it’s normal. We should do all we can to feel comfortable and be educated on the subject of physical intimacy in marriage.

It is important to know that questions are ok to have, it is also important to know that there are people you can reach out to with your questions. Parents or parent like figures are a great resource for you to ask questions. If a member of the Church you can reach out to your church leaders, it may feel uncomfortable at first, but they are there to help you. However, I think personally the best person to reach out to about questions, especially if you are preparing to by intimate for the first time, is your doctor. They are the ones who are going to be able to help answer your questions the best. Don’t be afraid to reach out, there are people here to help you!

The story about the road that leads to infidelity talked about how going out of your way and putting deliberate effort into a relationship with someone who is of the opposite sex who is not your spouse can lead there. They said that they would go out of their way to run into this person so that they could see them and talk to them. They also said that they would compare their spouse to that person and that they found themselves wishing that they could be with that person. Instead of focusing your time and attention on someone else you should be focusing that time and attention on your spouse. When we do this, we grow closer to our spouse and can have a stronger marriage. Our relationships with others aren’t as important as our relationship with our spouse, we are supposed to be there for our spouses, those people in our lives that we still care about but aren’t our spouses, have others there to help them. Marriage is the most important relationship; we should be focusing on that relationship rather than certain other relationships.

Gridlock in Marriage

In John M. Gottman’s Book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he talks about overcoming gridlock. He says that “All couples have some irreconcilable difference. But when partners can’t find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock.” He then lists four characteristics that are present when you are in a gridlock.

1.      You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

2.      Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3.      The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

4.      Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

These are all things that stop us from being able to focus on our spouse and turn us inwards. They are all dangerous and can lead to unhappiness in marriage.

1.      You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

Having arguments is completely normal, you’re never going to see eye to eye on everything in your marriage. However, it is important to take your spouse’s views into consideration and come to a conclusion or a compromise within an argument. There are always two sides to every argument, and while you may see yourself being who’s in the “right” your spouse is often seeing themselves as in the “right”. While sometimes you or your spouse will be right, often, you both have your points that are right, but as a whole no one is wrong. It is important to take in consideration the good points from both sides.

2.      Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

When your argument becomes so heated that you can no longer stand to be around your spouse is very dangerous. While it is ok to argue, it’s important to realize that you should still be able to approach your spouse with love and affection.

3.      The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

This one for me ties in nicely with the first characteristic. When you can’t resolve the argument and keep fighting the issue is only going to get more heated. This is why it is so important to work together to come to a conclusion or compromise, so that the argument doesn’t become more important to you than your spouse. Which ties into the fourth characteristic.

4.      Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

When you let being right become more important than your spouse, it is time to take a step back and consider your situation. Many marriages fall apart because people become too caught up in being right than what their spouses mean to them.

If we can put aside ourselves and put our spouses rather than on being right, I believe that we would see our marriages flourish.