Creating a New Family (Separation From Parents)

Growing up I was always excited to get married. However, as I got older, I realized that it meant that I would be getting a new family. That was scary and intimidating at first. However, when I finally started to date my husband, I felt excited when I thought that his family could potentially be my family one day. When my husband proposed, I felt blessed that both of our families were so welcoming and understanding. This was only the first step, when my husband and I got married we had to transition from being our parents children, into being a couple together.

In their book Helping and Healing Our Families, James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen said “The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families which they grew up. One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside and invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not mean to be shared with others outside the fence—not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law.” (pg. 328)

This was something that was difficult at first. My husband and I were both used to talking to our moms and telling them everything. We both struggled with wanting to tell our moms every little thing that was going on in our lives. We both struggled with some information going to someone we didn’t want it to go to. So, my husband and I sat down and had a discussion about what was and was not appropriate to tell out moms. Once, we did this we were able to stay within that “fence” and to feel comfortable in our marriage and to do our best to be just a couple. Since doing that, my husband and I have grown stronger in our relationship and trust each other more fully.

Keeping things between you and your spouse is important. It can sometimes be hard to not tell your parents everything, like you used to. But when you turn and rely on your spouse, instead of going to your parents. You will find that your relationship will flourish. Genesis 2:24 says “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Being One In Marriage

Being one is important in marriage. President Henry B. Eyring has said that “The requirement that we be one is not for this life alone. It is to be without end. The first marriage was performed by God in the garden of when Adam and Eve were immortal. He placed in men and women from the beginning a desire to be joined together as man and wife forever to dwell in families in a perfect, righteous union.” We are meant to be one with our spouses, to work our way through this life together. This is not always easy, but when we work together, we can gain perspective and be happy.

President Eyring also said that “All of us have felt something of both union and separation.” I have only been married for about 7 months, but I have seen the importance of being one with my husband already. Before we were married, I had a lot of alone time where I could just sit and read or watch a show by myself and not worry about anyone else but me. After getting married, all of the time that I would spend by myself my husband is around, making it more difficult to do things by myself. At first, I felt that I had to do everything that we would like to do together. My husband and I are very different people and like very different things. He likes to go outside and camp and race dirt bikes and all of that kind of stuff. Personally, I like to be inside watching a movie, reading a book, or playing games. Since being married we have learned to embrace each other and understand each other’s interests. We have become one by understanding each other’s wants and needs. It can be vital to understand when the others needs are important and when we should put our needs aside.

President Eyring said that “Sometimes in families and perhaps in other settings we have glimpsed life when one person put the interests of another above his or her own, in love and with sacrifice.” This is an amazing thing to witness. This is Charity, the Pure Love of Christ. Christ put our needs first, we should take after his example and put others first.